Lurking inside this seemingly boring, gray-haired lady of generous proportions is a wild thing. It’s a wildness that wants to be free, unfettered, and spontaneous. 

Imagine my surprise upon realizing that I am a creature of habit. Well, dang.

My habits become apparent as I review a typical work day.

I set my alarm for 6:30 AM but habitually arise around 7:15 AM, even though I know I will end up rushing to work and clocking in with seconds to spare. The reason it is so hard to leave my bed is because I (habitually!) turn off the bedside lamp around 11:30 PM instead of the more prudent 10:00 PM. 

I dream of starting my day with a sugar-free, French vanilla, no foam soy milk latte. Instead, I have just enough time to zap a corn tortilla, slather it with hummus, eat it in the car, and wash it down with a diet Dr. Thunder. (So much for my latte fantasy.)

As a teacher's aide at an elementary school, I assist three students. I spend approximately 20 minutes with the first student and then an hour and 15 minutes with two other students. This schedule repeats throughout the day. Between sessions, I go to the staff lounge to grab a sip of coffee and a bite of anything sweet left over from potlucks, teacher appreciations and birthday celebrations. Thank goodness I am on my feet most of the day and can regularly take 10,000 steps.

At the end of the work day, I go home, kiss my Himalayan ragdoll cat on his fuzzy face and call him "Boo Boo Head." Where that name came from I have no idea, but it is fun to say every day. I then play Spider Solitaire and plan supper.

These are all my habits that a camera can record. Oh look, there I go, off to work clutching my tortilla and my pop. There I go again, smooching my cat.

However, there is more to my habits than the camera can see. My busy brain regularly wonders if I have screwed up as a mom and if my daughter will ever again laugh and enjoy being with me. I regularly condemn myself for poor time management. I daily find myself speculating if I am doing anybody any good at all. 

Yes, the voice inside my head is habitually nasty.

Thank goodness, however, that these unhealthy habits also force me to develop supportive ones. For example, I routinely read from daily devotional books like Jesus Calling, The Language of Letting Go: Daily Meditations for Codependents, The One Year Bible, and Give Us This Day, even if it’s just a line or two before I have to dash. Every Sunday I go to church and every Thursday I go to Life Group at a fellow church member's home.

Spending time with God's Word and in Christian fellowship breaks my pattern of negative thinking and consistently returns me to gratefulness. And that’s a habit worth keeping.

Are your habits holding you down or lifting you up?

Susan Jacobson is a newly 61-year old female who presently resides in Bismarck ND. There is only so much Spider Solitaire a woman can play before thinking, "Hmm, what else can I do before I die?" From this arose her interest in blogging as a way to share with other women and praise God. Read more JOY posts by Susan.