Have you ever heard of the term “codependence”? The first time I ever heard it was shortly after moving to Bismarck-Mandan in 2004.

At that time I was going through a bit of emotional turmoil. My daughter, who had been born prematurely, had recently been diagnosed with cerebral palsy. Besides trying to sort through all that having a child with special needs entailed, I was trying hard to keep up a brave appearance and not let on to anyone how much I was truly suffering.

I had a job where I could listen to a headset at work, so I usually listened to Christian music or the programming on our local Christian radio station. One particular radio program I found especially intriguing was New Life Live. People called in during the show and received advice and wisdom from a group of professional counselors.

One term the counselors constantly brought up was “codependence.”  As I listened I began to realize that even though I was having a hard time grasping what codependency really was, it seemed like I had a lot of codependent tendencies.

Defining codependence

Around this time, I started seeing a Christian counselor who recommended the book Codependent No More: How to Stop Controlling Others and Start Caring for Yourself by Melody Beattie. When I started going through the book, I realized I was not alone in my confusion about what the word really meant; in fact, not even experts agreed on its definition.

A lot of times the word is used in relation to people who have issues with addictions and chemical dependencies, but it can also be used to describe people who put so much of their focus and energy into taking care of others that they completely neglect themselves.

No matter how it was defined, though, I realized I had all the classic symptoms of someone suffering with codependence. For example:

• I felt responsible for others and their thoughts, feelings and choices

• I found myself saying yes when I really mean no

• I was afraid to let myself  be who I was

• I had terrible anxiety, especially with new people and situations

• I ignored problems or pretended they weren’t happening

• I didn’t feel happy, content or peaceful  with myself

• I desperately sought love and approval

• I believed my  opinions didn’t matter

• I often said what I thought would please someone instead of saying what I really meant

• I blamed myself for everything (including my daughter’s disability)

The healing effect of opening up

Can I let you in on a secret? I never finished reading the book. I was so stuck on the fact that I had some of these symptoms, and I spent so much time and energy agonizing over this and beating myself up that I was too exhausted to keep reading.

Eventually I realized I had to stop focusing on my issues and start finding a way to heal from the hurts of my past and everything that had caused me to become codependent.

I took part in a group counseling session based on the book Healing for Damaged Emotions by Pastor David Seamands. My little group consisted of three other ladies and a professional Christian counselor. Together we worked through the accompanying workbook and had weekly discussions. 

During these group sessions, I began to realize how healing it was to let my guard down and share with others the thoughts and feelings I had long buried deep down inside. I became friends with a few ladies at work who were also Christians and began opening up to them as well.

Turning my focus from myself to God

As I look back at that time in my life, I see how God was guiding me to connect to other ladies to find emotional health and healing. I began hearing about Christian events happening in Bismarck and started taking part in some of them. (By the way, this is how I found out about the JOY Breakfast for the first time.)

I haven’t picked up the book Codependent No More for several years now. I am thankful to say that I no longer suffer with the same symptoms that I used to. By not focusing on what I thought was wrong with me but focusing instead of God, He brought healing and deliverance to my mind and my soul. I know that I can fix my eyes on Jesus and have complete dependence on Him. I know that His peace is there for me when I start to feel anxious and overwhelmed. I know that instead of trying so hard to please others, I can take heart in knowing that pleasing Him is most important.

Being able to completely depend on Him instead of on myself or others to fulfill my every need is truly something worth celebrating!

Do you have some codependent tendencies that you need to turn over to God? What are ways you depend on God to fulfill your every need instead of depending on others? 

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